just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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