You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
