if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he shaved USA in his pubs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day