i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.