The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
