Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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