I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
