hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
