just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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