how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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