I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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