I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
