i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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