If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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