Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
