I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
