Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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