Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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