i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
