I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
