Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
