Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
