I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
