How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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