I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize