Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
