He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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