I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
