You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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