dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
