Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
