bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
