My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
