Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
