All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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