I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
