A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
