In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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