Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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