HIV tests are more positive than that guy
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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