If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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