Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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