What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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