FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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