Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
