Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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