Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You took a bar mat shot.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
