We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
