dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
