med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
