and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
