True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
