I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
