the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
A+ Viking dick
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
