quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
