Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
