WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
