4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
