I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
